Slasher

Yesterday, on a nesting kick, I cleaned, scrubbed and reorganized every last inch of my apartment because I'm single and this is the kind of stuff that turns me on nowadays. ANYWAY, when I got to the cabinets underneath the bathroom sink, I discovered that someone's bubble bath had exploded and coated quite a few items in a lovely sticky Avon goo. Who's bubble bath IS this? And who buys things from Avon?! Couldn't be any of my roommates. They're both gay. They know better.

I cleaned it up as best I could and then started rinsing off nearby products that were covered in slime. An open bag of disposable razors was a casualty and I decided to rinse the blades off individually. I left them out on the counter to dry and without thinking, tossed the protective plastic caps into the trash. I carefully loaded the now OPEN RAZORS back into their bag and put them under the sink. And by "carefully loaded", I mean I threw them jumbled in a huge mess under the sink without thinking because I am stupid. And should never be around children or small animals.

This morning, I remembered that while cleaning yesterday, I found a second toothbrush. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE LIFE SO GREAT? If I brought my toothbrush to work! I know! It's genius! I can brush my teeth in the bathroom! In the morning! In the afternoon! And I will feel all clean! And my dentist will be proud! And the world is rainbows and sunshine!

Considering myself a genius, I reached under the bathroom sink to grab the magical toothbrush and as I extracted my hand, the back of it brushed against a nearby open razor, effectively slicing two parallel lines into my skin. I stared at my hand for awhile as it turned pink and then started to bubble up blood. It bled uncontrollably for quite some time, causing me to be late to work but let's not kid ourselves, this is nothing new. I am always late to work.

Everyone's been staring at my hand all day and being all, "WTF???" And I can't really tell them what happened because it just sounds bad to blurt out, "I CUT MYSELF WITH A RAZOR." And then they stare at you all, "???? Was that intentional?" And I'm all, "Well no, because I cut the WRONG side of my hand with it. If I wanted to do it right, I would've cut it on THIS SIDE." And then your coworkers kind of blink and back away quickly because DUDE! SECRETARY IS SUICIDAL.

Yeah. It's awkward. So, for now, when people stare, I tell them I got into a really bad gang fight this weekend. Or I busted my hand when I thrust it through a window attempting to save a puppy from a burning building. Or maybe, just maybe, I cut it on an open razor blade because I am an anal retentive yet absent-minded dork. YOU DECIDE.