Clarification, BFF's, Target, etc.

The good news is that I've blogged a record four times this week.

The bad news is that I'm still crying.

However, I wanted to tell you that it is ALL GOOD. Last night, my nonsexual heterosexual life partner who shall heretofore be referred to as The Wito for reasons that will not be explained here, took me to Target. Well, I took HIM to Target because I have a car. A car without AC. Oh yes, people, I do live in style.

Anyway, I am now the proud owner of multiple picture frames to hang around my newly painted apartment and a vast array of eco-friendly cleaning supplies. Nothing really makes me happier than a trip to Target. Except perhaps a trip to Bed Bath and Beyond but don't even mention it, don't even SAY IT OUTLOUD because I might pee my pants.

Alayna is taking me out to dinner tonight because she is BACK IN TOWN! I picked her up at John F. Kennedy International Airport (I just wanted to say the full name) late into the evening on Tuesday. Her flight was supposed to get in at 12:40 but the plane couldn't find the gate (WHA???) and so we didn't get in the car to drive home until about 1:30 AM. Thank God there was construction for the entire length of the Van Wyck causing us to sit bumper to bumper until finally turning onto my street close to 3 in the morning.

But hey! Mah best friend is back and last night we had a very fantastic phone conversation. And by conversation, I mean that I wept uncontrollably while holding my cellphone to my ear and Alayna just kept talking, hoping that I was listening. I also maybe blew my nose into the speaker approximately four times. BUT THAT'S WHAT BEST FRIENDS ARE FOR. 

So, thank you to Alayna for listening to me blow mucus and to The Wito for taking me to Target, land of happy happy things I want to buy.

I just wanted to clarify something I've been thinking of since I last posted. Many of my friends kept asking me to identify my feelings about this whole damn "My Ex-Boyfriend Is Getting Married" thing. A number of them suggested, "Is it just because YOU'RE not getting married?"

And honestly? No. The feelings I have are complex and I am STILL trying to sift through them. But the one thing I didn't feel was "I WISH I WAS GETTING MARRIED TOO!" The fact of the matter is that I'm not in a position to get married right now not to mention that marriage has never been something I've ever been particularly excited about, as anti-girl as that may seem.

I never dreamed of my wedding when I was little. I have no idea about what color the bridesmaids will wear or what flowers I need to hold or what time of year to walk down the aisle. For some reason, it's just never something that ever concerned me. And while children have always been something I've known that I will need one day, marriage has not. 

It is more the IDEA of marriage and what it means. It is the hope of finding someone that I click with and that I know, inherently without question, that I want to spend all my time with, forever. It is having someone that close to you, the comfort, the security, the partnership, the team, the feeling of having someone who knows you better than anyone else in the world. And also, of course, being able to tonguekiss this person. 

So, no. I'm not upset because I want to be married. Maybe I'm upset because I'm not upset! MAYBE THAT. But you know? I think this is more about the specific person involved. As I said to Abbie in the post below, I think I would genuinely be happy for some of my exes right this very moment if they had found someone special. I think I could selflessly be all, "ROCK ON! THAT IS GREAT!" and I might even wipe my forehead with relief because thank GOD that crazy parade is movin' on to someone else.

But this one is different somehow. And that's what I'm going to explore as this pain continues to dwell inside of me. What exactly am I feeling? Why? What do I want to do about it? What will fix it? What can bring me to a better understanding? 

And of course, when will you take me back to Target?