Existing

I can't seem to form a coherent sentence. Perhaps the humidity is drowning my brain. Perhaps I don't really have much to report. I keep waiting for a fun story to happen to me but unfortunately right now, life is pretty uneventful. I'm sleeping and eating and breathing my cabaret which opens up in about ten days. Oh wait. I'm also eating this salad right now. I made it for dinner:



And yes, in case you were wondering, the salad is abiding in the infamous Self-Esteem Bowl. It contains cucumbers, tomatoes, dried cranberries, walnuts and avocado. Seems like Our Name is Mud have discontinued the Self-Esteem Bowl and replaced it with this. Someone please hook me up with that. Thank you. 

I always seem to find peace easier in the summer. As an actor, it is more than obvious that anybody who is anybody is away for the summer doing a show somewhere. But I'm not. I remain here. Everyone else is on vacation or flying to the Hamptons or heading to a Greek island. But I already had my big trip so, I'm staying here. This summer makes three in a row. And instead of feeling like the loser I can sometimes be, I feel very relaxed.

Auditioning can wear on the soul and I find that summer gives me the chance to recoup. I'm no longer rushing around carrying ten thousand things--music book, shoes, dress, make up, hairbrush, scarf, hat, mittens, etc. I can go about my day in a quieter way. Auditions are few and far between now which gives me room to simply Be.

Tonight I came home, did laundry, made a salad, went for a very long jog. And it sounds boring. It sounds like a typical night for a single gal. But my pleasure in the banality still surprises me because I love it. I'm usually the girl going nonstop from morning until night--audition, work, meeting someone for coffee, grabbing dinner, going to class, seeing a show, squeezing in a lesson, etc. With the exception of my upcoming cabaret, I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to see.

I'm going to try to enjoy this in between time. This summer, I'd really like to expand my friendship circle, something that's always been very difficult for me. I'd like to face my fear of rejection and reach out. I'd like to take people up on their offers. Yes, I WILL meet you for coffee to catch up! Yes, I WOULD love a night of gossipy girl talk. 

I think as you age, friendships shift, moving in and out, disappearing, resurfacing. I used to take this very personally. A few years ago, it deeply upset me when I realized that people could move on with their lives without me in it. Don't they want me?! But at twenty-five, I Get It. People get married, move away, drop off your radar, decide that you don't quite fit into their life. I relate to that now. I understand that you can reach out, maybe twice? and then just let it go, let them go.

I'd also like to work on my cooking skills this summer. Gaining inspiration from my trusty CSA share, I've already experimented with a few delicious recipes. I've always been a good baker but a horrible cook. I'd like to balance this out so I can one day say HERE IS AN ELABORATE MEAL I MADE as opposed to LET'S ORDER TAKE OUT BUT HEY HERE ARE SOME HOMEMADE COOKIES!

It's going to be hard for me to stay put and not freak out. I'm always on the go, wanting more and more and more, eager to learn and absorb everything. I wonder how it will feel to just exist and not really have anything to look forward to but the simple activities that lie in every single day.

So, cooking. New friendship. Sleeping lots. Long walks. Spending time with my family. I'm looking forward to these humid summer months. Hopefully I can tie up some loose ends, clean up some clutter, attend to the little things that tend to get thrown in a pile of DO THIS AT SOME POINT. I'd like to do it now. I'd like to just Be for awhile. I'm looking forward to a respite from auditions, rejection, callbacks, high hopes, desperation, criticism, dating, racing around and being too loud to hear myself.

We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck!