If You Give A Polack A Camera

I had off today. It was 84 degrees, sunny and perfect. I thought of all the magical things I could do, the vast array of activities and accomplishments that lay before me. Naturally, I aimed low and ended up getting a pedicure and watching 6 straight episodes of Grey's Anatomy, Season One. Also? I bought a digital camera because I am oh so gadget savvy.

After my lovely purchase, I sat in Madison Square Park and tried to figure out how the hell to use it. Apparently, cheap digital cameras are made for stupid people like me. There are even two separate manuals--one for Beginners and one for more Advanced People AKA People That Have A Brain and Went To School For Something Other Than Musical Theatre.

I will tell you this: If you click the ON/OFF button, the camera will turn on and off. If you push the DELETE button (which also has a trashcan symbol next to it!), you will DELETE the picture! Also, if you push down the BIG IMPORTANT BUTTON FOR DUMMIES, it will take a picture. You can walk around the Gramercy Park area for a good twenty minutes trying out this technically advanced photography technique that I like to call "POINT AND CLICK AT STUFF, IT IS AWESOME". But IF YOU DO, beware.

WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF YOU GET A DIGITAL CAMERA AND ROAM AROUND NEW YORK CITY:

As you are trying to get a better angle while clicking away at a street sign, a man will stop you and ask you if you want him to take your picture underneath it. You will stare blankly at him, not able to process this request. He will repeat the question and then ask you, "Where are you really from?" And you will blink a few times and say, "Um. Here." And then he will ask you why you are taking pictures like a fucking tourist.

You will tell him it's not polite to curse at strangers and LOOK HERE IS MY NEW DIGITAL CAMERA! ISN'T IT SO PRETTY? I POINT AND CLICK AND IT SHOWS UP ON THE LITTLE SCREEN! Weee! Little screen! So mini! So twee! And then you shall ignore the mean man on the street and continue to document very important New York landmarks with your camera.

Like street signs.

And also townhouses. Because you are obsessed with townhouses. You love them and hate them equally. You love them because they are so beautiful and reminiscent of a time period that is dead and gone. And you hate them because you do not live in one and ohhh how spectacular life would be if you could only dwell in a beautiful brownstone!

You will catch sight of a beautiful townhouse with yellow windows. The windows will be open, a reassuring sign that someone actually lives inside and is letting in the summer breeze, experiencing the beauty of the day just like you are. Except they probably have a lot more money than you do. But you won't care. (That much.) You will sigh at the exquisiteness of the yellow windows because it reminds you of Paris. You might get a little teary-eyed until you realize that a layover in Paris doesn't really count, you never even really VISITED Paris, how can that townhouse remind you of Paris when YOU'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN?

Then you might get upset because really? You'd rather be in Paris. Or at least, INSIDE the townhouse with the yellow windows instead of outside. Definitely inside. Smoking a cigarette, eating crepes and uttering French phrases like "croque monsieur".


Then perhaps you shall find a little red house! It will be so cute that you will think, "Oh, it is so cute." You will also zoom in on the plaque resting next to one of the windows and you shall take its picture for you are a Photographer Extraordinaire, employing an expertly executed digital photography technique. DUH.

You will not know who George Bellows is, but you will take the picture regardless and google him later. You figure, if it's worthy of a plaque, it's worthy of a blog post.

Once safely at home with an iced soy latte and the power of Google, you will find out that George Bellows was an American painter (1882-1925) who was known for his bold depictions of urban life in New York City. He painted this picture entitled "Pennsylvania Station Excavation" in 1907. You will start to wonder what it was like for Penn Station to barely exist: no clusters of commuters or magazine stands and no heavily Long Island-accented voice screeching out "LAST CAWL TO WYANDACH ON TRACK 21!!!" It seems...peaceful. Ah. You will figure you are getting too deep for a Sunday so you get back to the pretty pictures you took.

But not before you find this picture on GOOGLE images:

It's my last name!!! On a movie poster! On DVD! "SELF," you will say to yourself, "That is pretty cool!" You will learn the Lesson for the Day: Your last name in Polish translates into DEBT. This makes your picture essay/blog entry come full circle because you definitely charged the digital camera, memory card and accessories to your credit card resulting in DEBT.

You will consider yourself bilingual since you know a few Polish words. You will consider this a remarkably productive day off. And then you shall head back to the couch to turn on more Grey's Anatomy and to stare at your pretty red pedicured toes.

The End.

I'm thinking no more electronic/gadgety purchases for quite some time. And you?