Where I Go Into Too Much Detail About My Urethra
Well.
It happened again.
Almost exactly a year later, I am once again suffering from a raging urinary tract infection.
Urinary tract infections are caused by any number of things, anything that can get bacteria inside a place where it DOES NOT BELONG. The most common is sexual activity and this is the saddest part of the story. I mean, obviously, there is no tonguekissing to be had 'round these parts and it makes for a depressing story.
UP NEXT: Single woman gets Urinary Tract Infection from...drinking wine and watching the Tony Awards!!
It's just sad.
Yesterday at work, I IMed my coworker.
Me: I have to pee a lot today.
Co-worker: Laura, you pee a lot ALL THE TIME.
And I do. Today, while trying to self-diagnose myself, I read that the average person pees 6-8 times a day. I laughed very hard at this because I think I average at least twice that. Whether this is because I drink a lot of water or I have a small bladder or both, I have no idea. I just go a lot. I used to pee right before leaving my house, drive thirty minutes to my ex-boyfriend's apartment where he would open the door wide and gesture inside so I could run frantically toward the toilet. What can I say? I'm a romantic.
The point is, yesterday, I kept having to go. And go. And go. On my walk back from the bathroom to my cubicle, I had to go. And I just knew, I KNEW! IT WAS A UTI! The bane of my existence, along with menstrual cramps.
The difference between this year and last year is that I have no medical insurance at the moment. (THANK YOU, AMERICA!!) So, in a panic today, when I realized that the over-the-counter stuff was just temporary relief and would not cure the infection, I tried to figure out how the heck I could get someone to cure me for free dollars.
My co-worker suggested the company health clinic. And after I took two trains to get there and after I got lost and after the lady at the front desk ignored me, I was put on the phone with a man who told me I needed an APPOINTMENT and what is the name of my HR representative and when I said I didn't have one, I am only a temp, he said he COULD NOT HELP ME and at this point, my memory gets fuzzy because I started screaming into the phone about the burning sensation in my urethra.
"You're a man, you have a penis, don't you? NOW PICTURE THAT PENIS ON FIRE!!"
It was at this point that I swallowed the last of my over-the-counter useless medication that would at least stop the pain for awhile. (Though it did not stop the urge to pee, can you explain THAT??) I met my dad for lunch and cried into my tofu, telling him I didn't have insurance and that I was going to die from a UTI and would he please speak at my wake? Say something nice, okay? Like, how I always was on time for school, right?
It was then that my dad offered to take me to the doctor himself and just pay the bill outright and I said, "Awww dad you are the BEST!" and then, "Are you kidding? I'd rather die than take your money!" which was totally true except I let him pay for lunch. And Starbucks.
I ended up calling the Actor's Fund health clinic and by the grace of God scored a 2:30 appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean, the website said it was free for qualifying actors and the word CLINIC was involved and if it's funded by, um, ACTORS, were they going to cure me or was I going to leave with more diseases than I came in with!? I mean, how much would I have to pay?! Would I qualify? Is the equipment sterile? Did the doctors graduate high school?
Despite my reservations, I hauled it over to 10th Avenue, got in an elevator and pressed 4 and was magically transported to the land of Pleasant Doctor Office Experiences. I kid you not, this was the BEST experience at a doctor's office I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! And not just because I could read Us Weekly undisturbed! Truly!
There was only ONE girl in the waiting room while I was there. She was not talking on her cellphone or crying into her husband's lap. She was just sitting there. Being quiet.
The woman at the reception kindly (!!!!) asked me to fill out paperwork which I LOVE DOING MORE THAN ANYTHING! What is it about doctor paperwork in particular? Is it the clipboard that comes with a medication-advertising pen? Maybe it's the way I feel like a grown up because I'm all by myself without my parents at the doctor's office?
Is it because I like to fill out forms about myself, my medical history contained in perfect little boxes? Maybe it's the perfectionist in me who gets off on the fact that I get to check NO to every question. Asthma? Diabetes? Congenital Heart Failure? NO! NO! NO! Am the healthiest person alive! Except for my urinary tract that is full of rusty nails! WOOT WOOT! Please give me a gold star!
The receptionist asked me for my Equity card which she then photocopied and handed back to me. She showed me to my room, TWENTY MINUTES EARLY, and asked for a urine sample. I informed her that I had taken over-the-counter-useless-as-hell pills and that it made my pee a lovely orange, so BE PREPARED, my urine looks like napalm!
She laughed and said that was fine and later, when I handed her my jar full of warm pee, she said "Thank you" so genuinely that it sounded like she actually meant it.
A tall graying doctor came in with bright blue eyes and when I explained that I probably had a UTI, that I was prone to UTI's, please help me, sir, give me a sex change if necessary, he actually LISTENED TO ME. He explained that they had to send the urine out for confirmation and the results wouldn't be in until Friday but it was most likely an infection, the receptionist will give you a vial of antibiotics, take two a day for three days and it should go away.
Is that alright?
UMMMMMMMMM! YES IT IS, I LOVE YOU.
I loved him even when he said, "If tomorrow morning, you wake up with a bright red rash from neck to torso, please stop taking the medication and call me."
This startled me a little bit but I'm not allergic to anything ever so I still kind of wanted to kiss him even AFTER he said this because oh my goodness, he was being so patient and thoughtful and kind. He wanted to FIX ME! CURE ME! He believed my self-diagnosis! He gave me antibiotics that were ALREADY ON HAND! He asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about!! (Of course there was! Like, the lovely weather we've been having! And what a pretty clinic you have! And hey, do you think I need Botox?)
"No, no!" I said and thanked him profusely. The receptionist handed me my antibiotics and I asked her how much I owed her.
"Nothing!" she said.
I stared at her blankly because this could not actually be real life. This could not be MY real life.
"You're an Equity member! So, it's all free!"
Just like that. I almost cried in the elevator thinking of my good fortune, despite the fact that from floor 4 to floor 1, I had the pressing need to empty my bladder which was, for the most part, already emptied. I stepped into the bright sunlight and popped a pill into my mouth, swallowing it along with a sip of water. As I walked back to work, the only sound I could hear were the other five little pills jostling around in my bag, eager to get out and work their magic.
It happened again.
Almost exactly a year later, I am once again suffering from a raging urinary tract infection.
Urinary tract infections are caused by any number of things, anything that can get bacteria inside a place where it DOES NOT BELONG. The most common is sexual activity and this is the saddest part of the story. I mean, obviously, there is no tonguekissing to be had 'round these parts and it makes for a depressing story.
UP NEXT: Single woman gets Urinary Tract Infection from...drinking wine and watching the Tony Awards!!
It's just sad.
Yesterday at work, I IMed my coworker.
Me: I have to pee a lot today.
Co-worker: Laura, you pee a lot ALL THE TIME.
And I do. Today, while trying to self-diagnose myself, I read that the average person pees 6-8 times a day. I laughed very hard at this because I think I average at least twice that. Whether this is because I drink a lot of water or I have a small bladder or both, I have no idea. I just go a lot. I used to pee right before leaving my house, drive thirty minutes to my ex-boyfriend's apartment where he would open the door wide and gesture inside so I could run frantically toward the toilet. What can I say? I'm a romantic.
The point is, yesterday, I kept having to go. And go. And go. On my walk back from the bathroom to my cubicle, I had to go. And I just knew, I KNEW! IT WAS A UTI! The bane of my existence, along with menstrual cramps.
The difference between this year and last year is that I have no medical insurance at the moment. (THANK YOU, AMERICA!!) So, in a panic today, when I realized that the over-the-counter stuff was just temporary relief and would not cure the infection, I tried to figure out how the heck I could get someone to cure me for free dollars.
My co-worker suggested the company health clinic. And after I took two trains to get there and after I got lost and after the lady at the front desk ignored me, I was put on the phone with a man who told me I needed an APPOINTMENT and what is the name of my HR representative and when I said I didn't have one, I am only a temp, he said he COULD NOT HELP ME and at this point, my memory gets fuzzy because I started screaming into the phone about the burning sensation in my urethra.
"You're a man, you have a penis, don't you? NOW PICTURE THAT PENIS ON FIRE!!"
It was at this point that I swallowed the last of my over-the-counter useless medication that would at least stop the pain for awhile. (Though it did not stop the urge to pee, can you explain THAT??) I met my dad for lunch and cried into my tofu, telling him I didn't have insurance and that I was going to die from a UTI and would he please speak at my wake? Say something nice, okay? Like, how I always was on time for school, right?
It was then that my dad offered to take me to the doctor himself and just pay the bill outright and I said, "Awww dad you are the BEST!" and then, "Are you kidding? I'd rather die than take your money!" which was totally true except I let him pay for lunch. And Starbucks.
I ended up calling the Actor's Fund health clinic and by the grace of God scored a 2:30 appointment. I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean, the website said it was free for qualifying actors and the word CLINIC was involved and if it's funded by, um, ACTORS, were they going to cure me or was I going to leave with more diseases than I came in with!? I mean, how much would I have to pay?! Would I qualify? Is the equipment sterile? Did the doctors graduate high school?
Despite my reservations, I hauled it over to 10th Avenue, got in an elevator and pressed 4 and was magically transported to the land of Pleasant Doctor Office Experiences. I kid you not, this was the BEST experience at a doctor's office I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! And not just because I could read Us Weekly undisturbed! Truly!
There was only ONE girl in the waiting room while I was there. She was not talking on her cellphone or crying into her husband's lap. She was just sitting there. Being quiet.
The woman at the reception kindly (!!!!) asked me to fill out paperwork which I LOVE DOING MORE THAN ANYTHING! What is it about doctor paperwork in particular? Is it the clipboard that comes with a medication-advertising pen? Maybe it's the way I feel like a grown up because I'm all by myself without my parents at the doctor's office?
Is it because I like to fill out forms about myself, my medical history contained in perfect little boxes? Maybe it's the perfectionist in me who gets off on the fact that I get to check NO to every question. Asthma? Diabetes? Congenital Heart Failure? NO! NO! NO! Am the healthiest person alive! Except for my urinary tract that is full of rusty nails! WOOT WOOT! Please give me a gold star!
The receptionist asked me for my Equity card which she then photocopied and handed back to me. She showed me to my room, TWENTY MINUTES EARLY, and asked for a urine sample. I informed her that I had taken over-the-counter-useless-as-hell pills and that it made my pee a lovely orange, so BE PREPARED, my urine looks like napalm!
She laughed and said that was fine and later, when I handed her my jar full of warm pee, she said "Thank you" so genuinely that it sounded like she actually meant it.
A tall graying doctor came in with bright blue eyes and when I explained that I probably had a UTI, that I was prone to UTI's, please help me, sir, give me a sex change if necessary, he actually LISTENED TO ME. He explained that they had to send the urine out for confirmation and the results wouldn't be in until Friday but it was most likely an infection, the receptionist will give you a vial of antibiotics, take two a day for three days and it should go away.
Is that alright?
UMMMMMMMMM! YES IT IS, I LOVE YOU.
I loved him even when he said, "If tomorrow morning, you wake up with a bright red rash from neck to torso, please stop taking the medication and call me."
This startled me a little bit but I'm not allergic to anything ever so I still kind of wanted to kiss him even AFTER he said this because oh my goodness, he was being so patient and thoughtful and kind. He wanted to FIX ME! CURE ME! He believed my self-diagnosis! He gave me antibiotics that were ALREADY ON HAND! He asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about!! (Of course there was! Like, the lovely weather we've been having! And what a pretty clinic you have! And hey, do you think I need Botox?)
"No, no!" I said and thanked him profusely. The receptionist handed me my antibiotics and I asked her how much I owed her.
"Nothing!" she said.
I stared at her blankly because this could not actually be real life. This could not be MY real life.
"You're an Equity member! So, it's all free!"
Just like that. I almost cried in the elevator thinking of my good fortune, despite the fact that from floor 4 to floor 1, I had the pressing need to empty my bladder which was, for the most part, already emptied. I stepped into the bright sunlight and popped a pill into my mouth, swallowing it along with a sip of water. As I walked back to work, the only sound I could hear were the other five little pills jostling around in my bag, eager to get out and work their magic.
15 Comments:
Worst Thing Ever + Best Thing Ever
Ok. You can never, ever, ever, complain about anything I blog about. Ever again.
I'm just surprised there isn't a link to your flickr account with images of your urethra.
She's googling pictures of an urethra, Deanna, and will have them posted by noon!
After you finish your antibiotics, ask your health professional for a post-treatment urine culture. This test ensures that the infection is completely cleared from the urinary tract. If you find yourself experiencing recurring UTIs, you might consider taking over-the-counter Cystex® as a preventative therapy. The product contains an antibacterial agent that attacks bacteria and helps prevent it from adhering to the lining of the bladder. Check out their Web site for more details - www.cystex.com.
A post-treatment urine culture is actually not necessary, especially if your symptoms are gone. If you want to make sure you were given the correct antibiotics, you can call for the results of the original culture.
Mutiple UTI's don't actually signify that your infections are being caused by the same bacteria each time.
For future reference, taking cranberry pills are probably a good way to prevent getting UTI's.
You poor thing!
Sorry you are in the midst of UTI, but so glad you had a good doctor experience!
Are they asking you to change your diet? When I had a UTI, they made me change my diet for a bit. Yogurt was encouraged.
Why?
Probably something to do with healthy bacteria---they same stuff they recommend when candida comes calling.
Wow. Hello commenters!
Deanna- at least I don't want to kill my kids to save the environment. That's the difference between me and you.
Laurie- story of my life
Mom- Can I have twenty dollars?
Anonymous #1- Thank you, I will look into this though I doubt my lazy self will go back for a post urine culture.
Anonymous #2- CRANBERRY PILLS! Every time I get a UTI I drink gallons of cranberry juice but, um, it's kind of too late. Perhaps I will be making a trip to the healthfood store! thank you for the reminder!
Cave Woman- I love people who give me sympathy and so I love you. The doctor didn't mention dietary changes but I will look into it. Yogurt makes a lot of sense to me though I'm currently mostly dairy-free. I am debating whether yogurt might be beneficial and whether or not I should bring it back in. For the sake of my bladder, perhaps? Anyone?
That's rabbits. Not kids. Get your facts straight or I'll drop my link to you.
And, no, I don't want to hear about your chard and kale driven painful rectal itch.
Aunt Rita - you are a liar. I've been checking back hourly since noon and still no pictures. Do not taunt me so!
Oh I know all about you Deanna and your anti-Christ blog. Killing kids and murdering bunnies and urinating on your own property.
God will take care of the planet so please excuse me while I pack myself into my SUV and go for a drive.
That being said, look what happens when you post a link to me on your site! I get all kinds of urinary tract advice! AMAZING. Also, I think my next post shall be about the chard and the fact that I ate it yesterday and the fact that it kind of sucked. THE END.
Life is soooo ... CHARD!
Ladies, think of the other side of the coin...5-days after having an operation I was sent home with a raging bladder infection, an envelope of antibiotics, and with a foley still intact! (Look it up if you don't know what the word means). Fast forward 1-week: Went to post-op exam at doctor's office in late morning, was pronounced OK, foley was removed, told to continue 'forcing fluids', and returned home. After several hours of foley-free bliss, needed to pee and surprise, surprise! Nothing happened! Nada! Fear was the overriding emotion! Called the doctor and learned that he was over the Pacific on his way to Hawaii, on vacation. Add frustration to the mix and press the panic button as intense and painful spasms came one after another. His kind nurse, Zoe, eventually took pity and told me to come to his downtown office almost 50-miles away. Okay! Took an hour to locate someone to drive me. Then...the real FUN began! Seemed to take hours and couldn't decide which was more painful; sitting flat or propped up in the air so nothing touched my bottom. Even walking into doctor's office was so very painful. Kindly nurse Zoe handed me a metal container and told me to "go pee". Through clenched teeth, told her I couldn't. She responded, "You have to try!" After a timed 5-minutes, she agreed that nothing was going to happen and off we went into an examining room. Off with my pants. Off with my panties. Up on the table with knees in the air. As soon as Zoe inserted the catheter I felt the most amazingly wonderful sensation! A combination of a massive orgasm, intense relief, and, if I might say so, an almost spiritual feeling. Happened in a nanosecond.
Seemed to take forever for the catheter to drain the urine from my spasming distended bladder. Zoe then inserted a new pediatric catheter of beautiful green, taped it to my tummy, and sent me on my way with the admonition to see the doctor in a week. She also said that legally, she could be in trouble as she should not have catherized me without a doctor's order but, as it was nearing closing time, she didn't have the heart to turn me down. Did I also say that this happened in the late afternoon on Friday, just before a 4th of July holiday weekend? Zoe was truly my angel of mercy that afternoon.
As long as you CAN pee, do it without complaint as the alternative is not to be courted. Instead of the saying, "No pain, no gain", my mantra of choice is "No urethral spasm, no pain". So, okay. It isn't quite as catchy a phrase but you try an afternoon of NOT peeing, having non-stop urethural spasms, and the most intense pain shy of childbirth with no anesthesia, then we'll talk.
Note: My doctor returned and his take on what happened was that I was sent home from the hospital without someone checking to see if the antibiotics would take care of my specific problem. My insurance covered a stay of five days post-op and so, I was out of there without waiting to see what results from the lab were. I was given a RX for a broad spectrum antibiotic that "usually" works. Unfortunately, the RX didn't work this time.
Anonymoius- Thank you for sharing your story. I am...afraid. Please, someone. Hold me.
They say that previously infected women would encounter a recurrence rate of as much as 2 to 3 times in year. Bacteria clinging with the bladders may have become immune to antibiotics and are on a gestation period following treatment. Before you know it, the symptoms are back. If antibacterials don't seem to work anymore for your condition, know that there are alternative options. Herbal remedies containing anti-microbial compounds have long been used to relieve inflammation and subdue infectious pathogens, in the practice of alternative medicine. If you're looking at an holistic aproach to treatment without the side-effects, try UTI herbal remedies today.
http://www.herbalsupplementshealth.com/2008/02/herbal-remedi-2.html
Okay, I need to get an Equity Card ASAP so I can get this free doctors visit thing! Do you think I could be discovered at Strong National Museum of Play as Mama Bear? Maybe I could join a Seasame Street tour and get my card? lol.
This made me hysterically laugh:
"UP NEXT: Single woman gets Urinary Tract Infection from...drinking wine and watching the Tony Awards!!"
Now does that mean I could get an STD drinking a wine cooler and watching a DVD of Broadway Bares?
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