An Insight Into Working For The Man

So last night around 6:15 my boss says to me, "Hi Laura! I'm going to be at an Important Offsite Meeting tomorrow and I was late getting my presentation to the printer soooo, tomorrow, would you mind heading to XX Location and picking up the printouts and then taking them to XXX Location?"

Me: (blank stare)

And then

Me: Um. Sure! But, when I deliver the printouts of the presentation, will I be...interrupting a huge conference room full of people?

Her: Yes! But just come on in anyway!

Me: Great! Because I always like to know in advance when people are going to be staring at me and I'm going to be mortified. THANK YOU.

So, I got about 5 hours of sleep last night since I went to bed around 11:40 and then kept getting up at 2 AM, at 4:40 AM, etc. to, I don't know, think about my life and alternately move from sleeping on my couch to sleeping in my bed because HEY! LIFE IS SHORT! SLEEP WHEREVER THE SPIRIT COMPELS YOU! I also got up at 6 AM to meet my personal trainer at the gym at 6:30 because two days ago, I decided that the Thing I Needed Most In The World At That Moment was to sign up for three personal training sessions.

My Personal Trainer This Morning: And what are your goals?

Me: I'm tired.

Etc. Etc.

THIS IS A TANGENT. I APOLOGIZE.

Point is: I am very tired and decide before I pick up the photocopies to get an iced coffee. Just think about how smart I am: juggling an iced coffee and my bag BEFORE PICKING UP PHOTOCOPIES...

Get to the place, the man says HAPPY FRIDAY HERE IS A BOX FULL OF 40 COPIES OF A PRESENTATION! IT WEIGHS APPROXIMATELY 900 POUNDS! OKTHXBYE!

I juggle a hugeass box of photocopies (that has no lid!), my bag (why did I take my bag!??!) and my treasured iced magic coffee.

I walk from Park to Lexington.

As I am walking, the wind causes three pages of presentation to fly away. Two fly out of the box, one gets caught in my armpit. A random lady collects the two pages and tells me HAPPY FRIDAY. (Wtf?!)

So, I get to the second location AKA the FBI Building and I head to the elevators and the security man says

"Hi. These elevators are for the odd numbered floors."

Um. I need to go to 14.

"You need to go downstairs."

I need to go downstairs to go up?

*blank stare*

"Yeah."

So, I go downstairs, almost wanting to die because my arms! ARE WEAK! CANNOT HOLD...BOX OF PHOTOCOPIES...

Hi! I need to go to 14.

"You need to go upstairs."

............................

What? They told me to come down here.

"No, our security lady isn't here today, you need to go upstairs and get a pass."

This is the part where I give the security man a look of death and threaten to set him on fire.

He reconsiders.

"Well, why don't you leave the box down here while you go up and get a pass?"

GREAT! OKAY! I say, and put the box on the counter while laughing maniacally.

So I head back upstairs and I'm all HEY WUZZUP BITCHES! I need a pass to 14 and NO LIE THE RESPONSE IS:

"You need to go downstairs for 14."

So I punched three people in the face and then calmly explained that they SENT ME UP HERE, THE LADY WORKING DOWN THERE ISN'T HERE TODAY.

"Yo Mohammed, Mary is out today?"

"Yeah, man."

"Oh. Sorry lady. I'll give you a pass."

He gives me a pass and waves me through to the elevators and says, "So, these are the odd numbered elevators. So go in one, push a button to take you to any odd numbered floor and then push 14."

WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Uh. It won't go UP to 14, but it'll go DOWN to 14."

WHAT?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So just as my head is about to explode I shout out, OH MY GOD! I forgot! I left a box of photocopies downstairs with THOSE people! So, uh NEVERMIND!

I GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS. Retrieve the box, tell them I have the pass, can I just get on the f'in even numbered elevators for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.

I get in the elevator, still carrying too many things and a man in a business suit, thinking he's funny says, "You are carrying lots of things! I was watching you try to get in the elevator, I thought you might spill that coffee everywhere! HAPPY FRIDAY!!!"

Ha Ha! You are so funny! The funniest part about you is that you are a SELFISH ASSHOLE WHO DIDN'T OFFER TO HELP ME IN ANYWAY. When are you free? Let's go on a date, dude!

So, we tongue kissed in the elevator until I got to 14, I bid him a teary goodbye and then walked into a conference room full of people, walked to my boss, tapped her on the shoulder, set the photocopies down on the floor and went back to work.

And by tapped her on the shoulder and set the photocopies down, I mean I started screaming and crying about odd and even numbered floors and the wind and the presentation and threw the box at the nearest person I saw, causing the entire contents to go everywhere and now I'm fired.

AND HOW WAS YOUR MORNING!?????????????????????? HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!