Stand Clear Of The Closing Doors Please
Tonight after philosophy class, I waited for the 6 train to come to a full stop before walking through the open doors. As soon as I did, I was nearly knocked over by a strong citrus scent that was wafting towards me in a thick haze. I turned to my right just in time to see a homeless man standing next to me spraying himself up and down with an aerosol can of what had to be some type of lemony household cleaner.
I quickly made my way to the other end of the car to join the rest of the people already there and we all stood and stared unabashedly at the scene going on a few feet away. The man was muttering to himself and spraying the can up and down and all around. Another woman boarded after me and as she walked toward me, the man stuck out the spray can and sprayed her back. None of us could help laughing. It was just that absurd.
I debated my options--staying on this car for two stops before transferring or getting off at the next stop and switching cars. I always feel bad backing away from homeless people, whether they smell rancid or like a gallon of lemonade. I can't help but feel sympathy and sadness for their situation and so on a crowded train reeking of body odor and urine, I try to breathe into my arm and stay in the car if I can, just to prove something. But what?
I debated staying on this train because hey, at least the smell was tolerable. Hell, it would've been downright pleasant if it wasn't continually pouring out of the can in copious, maniacal amounts, filling an airtight train car. But then the man stopped muttering and started speaking louder.
I'M GONNA USE THIS CAN RIGHT UP.
We all nodded. Oh yes, sir, yes you are.
Then he held the can in front of his nose, almost struck down in awe that more product was still coming out of it.
DAMN. THIS CAN IS NEVER ENDIN.
This was true. There's a lot of stuff in those cans.
I'M GONNA USE THIS CAN RIGHT UP, he repeated.
There was a pause before he continued and he turned to face all of us.
I'M GONNA USE THIS CAN RIGHT UP, he said again.
AND THEN...
I waited, curious.
AND THEN I'M GONNA TAKE A SHIT OUT MA ASS.
The subway groaned into the next station and at that point, I decided that no matter how nice the scent was, it was not going to last much longer and even if it made me a bad, cold person, I was gettin' ma ass off that train.
I quickly made my way to the other end of the car to join the rest of the people already there and we all stood and stared unabashedly at the scene going on a few feet away. The man was muttering to himself and spraying the can up and down and all around. Another woman boarded after me and as she walked toward me, the man stuck out the spray can and sprayed her back. None of us could help laughing. It was just that absurd.
I debated my options--staying on this car for two stops before transferring or getting off at the next stop and switching cars. I always feel bad backing away from homeless people, whether they smell rancid or like a gallon of lemonade. I can't help but feel sympathy and sadness for their situation and so on a crowded train reeking of body odor and urine, I try to breathe into my arm and stay in the car if I can, just to prove something. But what?
I debated staying on this train because hey, at least the smell was tolerable. Hell, it would've been downright pleasant if it wasn't continually pouring out of the can in copious, maniacal amounts, filling an airtight train car. But then the man stopped muttering and started speaking louder.
I'M GONNA USE THIS CAN RIGHT UP.
We all nodded. Oh yes, sir, yes you are.
Then he held the can in front of his nose, almost struck down in awe that more product was still coming out of it.
DAMN. THIS CAN IS NEVER ENDIN.
This was true. There's a lot of stuff in those cans.
I'M GONNA USE THIS CAN RIGHT UP, he repeated.
There was a pause before he continued and he turned to face all of us.
I'M GONNA USE THIS CAN RIGHT UP, he said again.
AND THEN...
I waited, curious.
AND THEN I'M GONNA TAKE A SHIT OUT MA ASS.
The subway groaned into the next station and at that point, I decided that no matter how nice the scent was, it was not going to last much longer and even if it made me a bad, cold person, I was gettin' ma ass off that train.
3 Comments:
HAHAHA
I do the same thing (try to stay on the train), but I would have swiftly exited in this situation, I assure you. Also, it's interesting that he was planning ahead. Most people wait until after the unholy stench appears before they begin spraying copious amounts of Febreze.
I know, right? He was totally on it.
Oh my God! This is just too much! You do realize living in NYC really has to be entertaining, I'm pretty sure, no I am 100% sure I would have vacated, and pronto!
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