Blog for the Dumped

So we know that I often waiver back and forth between keeping this blog and deleting it and I always seem to lean towards keeping it. But along with that debate, I continually question the content of this blog. I tried for a long time to keep the acting stuff out of it because...I don't know, sometimes it sounds obsessive, sometimes it's boring, and regardless, it is ALWAYS dramatic, blah blah. I'm an ARTIST! GIVE ME ATTENTION.

But of course, since it's a huge part of my life, bits about auditions began creeping in, a blurb or two about meeting with an agent came through also, as well as the huge decision to change my last name and accept a "stage name", a topic which I never finished discussing here (yes, I did end up changing it.) The more I tried to avoid it, the more I realized that most of the things I wanted to write about involved my current career choice.

I'm making the decision here and now to let that stuff come through on here when I want it to. I doubt I will get into specifics (names, auditions, etc.) and while I am still rather wary about who will come across this and judge me, I think it's better to ramble and vent when I feel the need. And since I had a few lovely comments left the last time I posted about deleting this thing, I'd like to think that other people read this and relate to my struggles and victories. And if you don't? So what, I never liked you anyway.

So now that I wrote a verbose preface, can I vent now? Thanks.

I let a few days go by before posting this because 1) I took it very hard and 2) I was PMSing and my hormones made me crazy and I think if I posted it the day it happened, the post would've contained many curse words. And then my mom would've been very sad. So I'm calm now and here's the deal:

I've been having a bit of anxiety about heading back to New York. I started questioning whether or not I joined Equity too soon (now I can't do non-union work and ACK I have no resume! ACK I have no experience! ACK I AM A TOTAL FAILURE!) and I thought about how I need to get my rep book in order and how many casting directors I need to get in front of and my brain cells? They began to die a slow painful death due to UAS: Unnecessary Actress Stress. (How's that for alliteration! Ka CHING!)

So I decided to take matters in my own hands and quit the business.

Just kidding.

Actually, I called my voice teacher and vocal coach and set up appointments for when I get back, I registered for a class, I made plans to go to the Lincoln Center library, etc. But I felt that the most important thing to do would be to call my handy dandy agents and set up a meeting with them in a week or two. I figured it would help to go into their office and discuss which roles I'm right for, which shows I should be seen for, and how to look hot at all times.

So I called them up. And the assistant in the office was all YEAH! GREAT IDEA! I'LL HAVE "X" CALL YOU BACK AND SET IT UP!

And I'm all, WOOOO! ON THE ROAD TO SANITY ONCE AGAIN! No need for UAS! No need for panic attacks! Woot!

So Important Agent Man calls me back and I'm all HEY!

And he's all, "I know you're still out on the road..."

And I'm like, "Yeah! I just wanted to..."

And before I can finish, he casually mentions that he thinks it's time we should "PART WAYS".

Silence.

Um. I'm sorry, I just hallucinated, what??

"I think we should part ways. Our client list got too big too fast and we can't focus on people we can't commit to. Since you fall into this category, we're going to have to let you go. You're super talented though."

Click.

Cue: Laura runs around hotel room alternately laughing maniacally and sobbing into her bleached pillowcase.

Let's lay it out there in Acting Business terms:

* Since I was only "freelancing" with this agency and was not "signed", it's not like I got fired. I got dropped. And in actuality, agents SHOULD be focusing on their signed clients and if *I* was one of their signed clients, I would definitely want that kind of priority.

* Up until that moment, these agents hadn't even sent me out on one audition. So I can't even say that they had bad feedback about me or that I'm a horrible auditioner and they let me go. I just went out on the road to get my Equity card and disappeared from their radar.

* They DID however, suggest changing my name and they DID pick a new headshot for me. And while I originally was all, I CHANGED MY LIFE FOR YOU! I didn't. I changed those things for ME, they just gave me the initial idea. So, if in the end, that's all they did for me, it's still a lot. It still helped. Heck, after I did those things, I landed this job so it's not all for nothing.

Let's lay it out there in Laura terms:

* I finally get a SHOW after a YEAR AND A HALF of auditioning (on my own) and I join EQUITY and I start to think I'm a badass and then a door slams in my face unexpectedly. And now that I can think about it logically and understand that this sort of thing happens all the damn time, I care a lot less. Though I still feel a little "What the fuck?" about it all. And though I called my mom and talked to other people and they gave me the whole I Am Woman Hear Me Roar speech about how those agents don't know what they're missing, I still feel insecure about it.

I was never one to boost myself up on such occasions and say things like, "It's your loss, baby!" and "You'll never find another one like ME! HaHA!" Instead, I just kind of turn into a crazy ex-girlfriend who can't let it go and I overanalyze it in my head like, "Did I call too much? Are you calling me fat!? Am I a bad kisser!?!"

But it's done.

As much as I go on about musical theatre people, when things like this happen, everyone understands. Everyone in the cast sympathized, everyone warned me against taking it personally, everyone agreed that it sucked for now but that it wasn't the end of the world. Candy talked to me after I got back from a 40-minute run and told me that she knew that I would cry and be pissed about it but that the next morning, I would most likely be back to my crazy self. And I think that's true because really, the one thing you can always count on is the fact that I am The Crazy.

The one thing that still pisses me off is that I actually wasted CHRISTMAS CARDS on those agents. Granted, I hadn't sent them yet. (Can you imagine? Eeeek!) But, I wrote them out and even addressed the envelopes. They were real cute too, with snowglobes and mittens on the front. I wrote "Happy Holidays!" and "I look forward to working with you this year!" and "It feels good to have you guys on my side!"

Ha. Nevermind, suckers.