All The Little Kids Growin' Up On The Skids Are Goin' 'Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!'
Oh Mylanta you guys, I GOT MY LAPTOP BACK!!!!!!
Seriously. I'm typing on it RIGHT THIS SECOND. You can hardly stand it, right?
The good news is that my father shipped my repaired laptop here to Cleveland, where I have the glorious good fortune of staying in a beautiful hotel for SEVEN.STRAIGHT.DAYS. No putting up the set, no driving to the next town, for a WEEK! Rah! Cleveland! The bad news is that Mac charged my credit card $820 and I have trouble breathing when I think about that. But I'm trying to get that resolved because I still firmly believe that I NEVER should've been charged over $800 to fix a four-week-old computer. Apparently, Mac agrees with me.
My castmate Rance called up Apple on Saturday and explained the situation. I decided to hand over my cellphone to Rance because 1) I was driving the van at the time and b) I am terrible with confrontation. During moments of direct communication, I can't seem to construct proper sentences, I tend to be excessively emotional, and I start to get flushed and sweaty, overwhelmed by the fact that I'm talking to a REAL LIVE PERSON who might say things that I'm not smart enough to respond to. In fact, if I called up Apple myself, the conversation would go like this:
Me: Um. Hi.
(extremely long pause where I try to remember how to speak English)
Apple Customer Service Representative, Let's Call Him "Slater": Hello?
Me: Ah, yes. Hello. You see. I have this sort of problem with my computer. Well. I HAD a problem, but someone sort of fixed it but it's wrong. Not that they fixed it wrong but it's wrong that you had to fix it. Well. No. You had to fix it, that's right but I didn't want to be charged for it.
Apple Slater: I'm sorry...what?
Me: *deep breath* I have a computer of yours and it broke.
Slater: What kind of computer?
Me: A Mac thing. *palms begin to sweat*
Slater: Right...well. They're all Macs.
Me: Okay, a Mac...book?
Slate Dawg: Okay.
Me: Well, it broke and I only had it a month and I took it to the Apple Store in Atlanta and they told me it would cost $800 to fix even though I had AppleCare and they took it away and fixed it and I kind of want that money back. *sweaty hands begin to shake*
Slater: I'm sorry but that's our policy.
Me: *dissolving into hysterical tears* Um. Okay.
*hangs up phone*
Rance, on the other hand, is a freaking rockstar with confrontation. He's the kind of guy that you'd want on your side whilst arguing about, say, your laptop screen shattering right after you purchased it or maybe arguing the NYPD over the four parking tickets you got last year. So HE called up Apple and amazingly enough, the customer service rep AGREED that charging me $800 after a month of ownership was complete and utter bullshit. Come to think of it, I don't think the Apple Guy used that exact phrase, but you get my drift.
But first, the guy on the phone tried to blame ME by telling Rance that the Apple Store I took it to in Atlanta was the one who charged me and that I shouldn't have let them do that. He tried to say that the store was in no way connected to Apple.com, somehow implying that if I had contacted Apple.com directly, they wouldn't have charged me the $800. This launched Rance into a tirade where he managed to formulate the following argument: "I'm sorry but that is an UNACCEPTABLE answer. Whether it's the Apple store or Apple.com, you are all underneath one big Apple tree."
See? This is why I hand over the phone to Rance! He not only calls up the Apple Store and pretends to be my brother, but he actually argues in English! Throwing in a pun or two! Making valid points! That I cannot! Because I am an alien and incapable of interacting with humans.
Rance was eventually directed to the Customer Relations department, which is only open Monday through Friday. So, I have no conclusion yet but let me tell you, if Rance can actually get Apple to refund my $820, you are all getting awesome Christmas gifts. Like ponies.
So I've been under the influence of Margot for this entire weekend which only means goodness and fun times. She introduced me to an old pasttime, a practice that's been going on since the beginning of time. A practice that the cavemen enjoyed, the Spanish conquistadors too and sure, maybe even some of Christ's apostles. I'm talking, of course, about the phenomenon entitled "barhopping". Even better than that, we added a special element to the glamour of barhopping, an element I like to call "Watermelon Rum."
And if things couldn't get better, today, Margot persuaded me to join her for something I will now label "Going To The Movies All Day Long". I have never seen more than one movie in a day though I know the common practice of you crazy young kids nowadays is to pay for one movie and then sneak into others for free. This has always appalled me because I am a stickler for proper protocol and you are supposed to PAY for a movie and THEN see it and possibly eat gummi bears and THEN leave. I never participated in such sneaky, unscrupulous behavior because I was raised with things like morals.
Anyway, Margot and I took a cab to Cleveland Heights to an indie film theater and managed to see THREE totally random films in a short span of eight hours. We did take a break in between for some food and peanut m&m's and then it was back to the theater! It was really hard to sneak into the films (NOT THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT) because it was a tiny little theater and Margot and I were there all day so we started gaining the notice and sympathy of the concession stand workers.
We ended up paying for all three, nearly squeezing the very last drop out of my weekly paycheck. As I slid over my credit card to pay for our final flick, I finally confessed to the young teen working the ticket counter that we'd been there ALL DAY and sweetly asked if could he give me the last movie at the senior citizen rate of $5.25?
You know what he said?
"Oh man, not a problem. I thought for sure you guys would just kind of sneak in anyway."
WHY WAS I RAISED WITH FAMILY VALUES? WHY? It gets me NOWHERE!
Anyway, seeing three movies a day is a little intense, especially indie films. We saw "Shortbus", "The Queen", and "The Science of Sleep". I thought they were all pretty entertaining and isn't that what a movie is supposed to be? It's been a great weekend in Cleveland so far.
However.
I must confess that after all those films, my brain is teeming with lots of disturbing thoughts and images and I'm pretty sure that when I go to sleep tonight, I am going to dream of Helen Mirren sandwiched between two naked gay men, flying away on a horse made of fabric. I leave you with that. Goodnight.
Seriously. I'm typing on it RIGHT THIS SECOND. You can hardly stand it, right?
The good news is that my father shipped my repaired laptop here to Cleveland, where I have the glorious good fortune of staying in a beautiful hotel for SEVEN.STRAIGHT.DAYS. No putting up the set, no driving to the next town, for a WEEK! Rah! Cleveland! The bad news is that Mac charged my credit card $820 and I have trouble breathing when I think about that. But I'm trying to get that resolved because I still firmly believe that I NEVER should've been charged over $800 to fix a four-week-old computer. Apparently, Mac agrees with me.
My castmate Rance called up Apple on Saturday and explained the situation. I decided to hand over my cellphone to Rance because 1) I was driving the van at the time and b) I am terrible with confrontation. During moments of direct communication, I can't seem to construct proper sentences, I tend to be excessively emotional, and I start to get flushed and sweaty, overwhelmed by the fact that I'm talking to a REAL LIVE PERSON who might say things that I'm not smart enough to respond to. In fact, if I called up Apple myself, the conversation would go like this:
Me: Um. Hi.
(extremely long pause where I try to remember how to speak English)
Apple Customer Service Representative, Let's Call Him "Slater": Hello?
Me: Ah, yes. Hello. You see. I have this sort of problem with my computer. Well. I HAD a problem, but someone sort of fixed it but it's wrong. Not that they fixed it wrong but it's wrong that you had to fix it. Well. No. You had to fix it, that's right but I didn't want to be charged for it.
Apple Slater: I'm sorry...what?
Me: *deep breath* I have a computer of yours and it broke.
Slater: What kind of computer?
Me: A Mac thing. *palms begin to sweat*
Slater: Right...well. They're all Macs.
Me: Okay, a Mac...book?
Slate Dawg: Okay.
Me: Well, it broke and I only had it a month and I took it to the Apple Store in Atlanta and they told me it would cost $800 to fix even though I had AppleCare and they took it away and fixed it and I kind of want that money back. *sweaty hands begin to shake*
Slater: I'm sorry but that's our policy.
Me: *dissolving into hysterical tears* Um. Okay.
*hangs up phone*
Rance, on the other hand, is a freaking rockstar with confrontation. He's the kind of guy that you'd want on your side whilst arguing about, say, your laptop screen shattering right after you purchased it or maybe arguing the NYPD over the four parking tickets you got last year. So HE called up Apple and amazingly enough, the customer service rep AGREED that charging me $800 after a month of ownership was complete and utter bullshit. Come to think of it, I don't think the Apple Guy used that exact phrase, but you get my drift.
But first, the guy on the phone tried to blame ME by telling Rance that the Apple Store I took it to in Atlanta was the one who charged me and that I shouldn't have let them do that. He tried to say that the store was in no way connected to Apple.com, somehow implying that if I had contacted Apple.com directly, they wouldn't have charged me the $800. This launched Rance into a tirade where he managed to formulate the following argument: "I'm sorry but that is an UNACCEPTABLE answer. Whether it's the Apple store or Apple.com, you are all underneath one big Apple tree."
See? This is why I hand over the phone to Rance! He not only calls up the Apple Store and pretends to be my brother, but he actually argues in English! Throwing in a pun or two! Making valid points! That I cannot! Because I am an alien and incapable of interacting with humans.
Rance was eventually directed to the Customer Relations department, which is only open Monday through Friday. So, I have no conclusion yet but let me tell you, if Rance can actually get Apple to refund my $820, you are all getting awesome Christmas gifts. Like ponies.
So I've been under the influence of Margot for this entire weekend which only means goodness and fun times. She introduced me to an old pasttime, a practice that's been going on since the beginning of time. A practice that the cavemen enjoyed, the Spanish conquistadors too and sure, maybe even some of Christ's apostles. I'm talking, of course, about the phenomenon entitled "barhopping". Even better than that, we added a special element to the glamour of barhopping, an element I like to call "Watermelon Rum."
And if things couldn't get better, today, Margot persuaded me to join her for something I will now label "Going To The Movies All Day Long". I have never seen more than one movie in a day though I know the common practice of you crazy young kids nowadays is to pay for one movie and then sneak into others for free. This has always appalled me because I am a stickler for proper protocol and you are supposed to PAY for a movie and THEN see it and possibly eat gummi bears and THEN leave. I never participated in such sneaky, unscrupulous behavior because I was raised with things like morals.
Anyway, Margot and I took a cab to Cleveland Heights to an indie film theater and managed to see THREE totally random films in a short span of eight hours. We did take a break in between for some food and peanut m&m's and then it was back to the theater! It was really hard to sneak into the films (NOT THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT) because it was a tiny little theater and Margot and I were there all day so we started gaining the notice and sympathy of the concession stand workers.
We ended up paying for all three, nearly squeezing the very last drop out of my weekly paycheck. As I slid over my credit card to pay for our final flick, I finally confessed to the young teen working the ticket counter that we'd been there ALL DAY and sweetly asked if could he give me the last movie at the senior citizen rate of $5.25?
You know what he said?
"Oh man, not a problem. I thought for sure you guys would just kind of sneak in anyway."
WHY WAS I RAISED WITH FAMILY VALUES? WHY? It gets me NOWHERE!
Anyway, seeing three movies a day is a little intense, especially indie films. We saw "Shortbus", "The Queen", and "The Science of Sleep". I thought they were all pretty entertaining and isn't that what a movie is supposed to be? It's been a great weekend in Cleveland so far.
However.
I must confess that after all those films, my brain is teeming with lots of disturbing thoughts and images and I'm pretty sure that when I go to sleep tonight, I am going to dream of Helen Mirren sandwiched between two naked gay men, flying away on a horse made of fabric. I leave you with that. Goodnight.
4 Comments:
Um, this is your MOTHER sending you a little note! The dream you probably will have is one of HELL...which is where you would go if you didn't pay for that third movie. SEE? I shouldn't have allowed you to move out of the house. The bad, bad, influences of outside forces will ruin your soul.
Btw, peanut M&M's??? Don't you have ANY morals? You are supposed to eat non-pareils...they are called non-pareils because it is immoral to eat pareils!!!
Love,
Your mom
I'm just jealous of Margot.
PS - How weird was the Science of Sleep?
PPS - Wanna see Shut Up and Sing when you get home?!? I know you love Natalie Maines as much as I do.
Science of Sleep was trippy and I loved it...it didn't quite go where I wanted it to but it wasn't a bad film. Just...TRIPPY. And yes, Shut Up and Sing definitely.
I doubt I'm going to find a theater around here playing it but Alayna saw it in NYC and LOVED IT. She also said it made her laugh and cry! HA! Alayna! You are a big baby! I never cry at anything! Certainly not the last Desperate Housewives episode or anything. Wait...
Ok I cried at 'Shut Up & Sing'! I'm ok with it...I've come to accept that I am just super in tune with others emotions. Even if that other person is a recording, on a big screen, in a large room, with lots of other people.
But, all that aside...you will love the movie hopefully as much as I did.
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