The End of An Era?
Okay, so this one time I booked a show and started rehearsals and joined Actor's Equity and paid off my credit card debt like Suze Orman said and figured that obviously, all signs were pointing to "BUY A NEW COMPUTER". So I did.
It will arrive next week. It is a laptop. It is a Mac. In short, it's going to be my new boyfriend.
I've been spending the past few hours going through my trusty PC, the PC that was purchased the August before my freshman year of college. It is five years old. There are stickers around the edges of the monitor that say things like "God Always Listens" and "Angel of the Lord" and "Hum a Happy Tune". (I know. What!?!?) This computer contains my entire life--UB papers, critiques, notes and poems for ex-boyfriends, angry IM conversations with friends. In summation: it contains MUCH hilarity.
I was going to post that hilarity here, especially because I found blog entries from 1998-2003 on my hard drive. I was going to cut and paste HYSTERICAL melodramatic quotes from those entries but really, all you need to know is that I've been a total spaz my entire life and had NO sense of tact and NO sense of what should/should not be posted on the world wide web. Therefore, most entries are one huge paragraph long, start out with a quote from a Broadway musical and ramble on like this:
"TODAY TOM AND I WENT TO THE CITY AND SAW A SHOW AND OHMYGOD I HAVE TO WRITE OUT MY 'TONY AWARD' PICKS BECAUSE OHMYGOD THE TONY'S ARE THE BEST THING OF MY LIFE BY THE WAY I LOVE JESUS! GOD WILL GET ME THROUGH THIS! OHMYGOD I SAW 'RENT' 4 TIMES BECAUSE I AM A 16 YEAR OLD LOSER!!!!!!!!"
The End.
And then I started thinking. And I've been thinking in between rehearsing. (Which, by the way, is going so well! Random Fact: Ashlee Simpson is rehearsing in the room next door for a West End production of "Chicago" BUT even better, this morning I ran into Christine Ebersole in the lobby who is rehearsing for "Grey Gardens" and oh WAIT, I'm still blogging about Broadway show stars because I AM A 23 YEAR OLD LOSER.)
So, I've been thinking.
I've been thinking about how I began this blog in 1998. This whole blog experience has been such a therapeutic outlet for me. Reading back on those high school entries, I laughed so hard at the younger version of myself. I also realized that my writing has really grown and matured since then. (Thank God.) I don't think I'm a wonderful writer, I just think this has helped me to become a better one. This precious space has forced me to write by encouraging a natural flow of ideas, thoughts and commentary. It has blossomed from a mortifying "Dear Diary, Here's What I Did Today!" format to a collection of short stories about my family, living in New York City and the struggles of an actor.
An anonymous girl once told me she reads this as fiction and I felt so honored by that compliment. But hey, the thing with blogs and livejournals and such are that entries are often written in the heat of the moment. I have written some truly terrible things. I've been narcissistic, sarcastic, catty, melodramatic, etc. And no one probably noticed, but this summer, I deleted over 1/2 my archived entries from the past two years. This was mostly because I went back to read them and I cringed. A lot.
Because my blog entries are permanently preserved in cyberspace, anyone can stumble upon this, read through the archives and make a harsh judgment about me. It doesn't matter if at that moment, I was angry or dramatic or jealous or immature. The entry stands alone and can be taken out of context and applied to the present day Me. Do I want people to be able to do that? Will my future husband google me after our first date? Will he read through all my entries? What kind of picture will that paint of me? A real one, at least. But, ick.
I also have to wonder, if I want to be a successful actress (and by successful I mean working, not famous), do I really want my personal life published on the internet? I think I've been really good about avoiding certain subjects. (Specific job details, relationship details of any kind, friendships gone awry, etc.) I wasn't always so careful but I learned. Some things just need to be banned from discussion on this website, because now, at 23, I have tact (somewhat) and a sense of what you can/cannot write about on the world wide web for all to read.
It is so hard for me to imagine shutting this down. I wanted to keep this up and start journaling about my experience working on this upcoming tour. I even contemplated spinning a blog off this one just for that sole purpose. I thought it would be pretty entertaining to read, a literary version of a reality television show if you will--7 people driving around the South in a van. Priceless.
And oh Lord everyone, it's so amazing for me to go back and read those entries, even the horribly embarrassing 2001 entries. There are details in there that I'd totally forgotten about, memories that had left me a long time ago. I read them and I just thought, "Wow, I am SO glad I have this to look back on." It's like finding all those notes from 6th grade in a shoebox on top of your closet. You totally forgot you used to doodle yin-yangs on notes, right?! HILARIOUS!
And the end of blogging doesn't have to mean the end of my writing and my ability to keep track of the minute details of my life. I guess I could keep up the everyday writing in my private written journal but I usually just reserve that old-fashioned thing for "I HAVE A CRUSH ON..." lists and recipes for Martha Stewart cookies so that just wrecks my whole flow. Or, I could type on the computer as if blogging and just never click "Publish".
Nothing happened. I didn't get in trouble for this blog, nobody found it that wasn't supposed to. I just don't know. I don't know if there's a point to this anymore. If I'm too personal, not personal enough, or just reinforcing my TOTAL LOSER motife that I'm trying so hard to discard, etc. (As an actress, how do I create a marketable image of myself if I post pictures of me with tomatoes over my eyes?)
I guess what I'm asking you all is,
www.thespectrum.org: So good? Or no good?
It will arrive next week. It is a laptop. It is a Mac. In short, it's going to be my new boyfriend.
I've been spending the past few hours going through my trusty PC, the PC that was purchased the August before my freshman year of college. It is five years old. There are stickers around the edges of the monitor that say things like "God Always Listens" and "Angel of the Lord" and "Hum a Happy Tune". (I know. What!?!?) This computer contains my entire life--UB papers, critiques, notes and poems for ex-boyfriends, angry IM conversations with friends. In summation: it contains MUCH hilarity.
I was going to post that hilarity here, especially because I found blog entries from 1998-2003 on my hard drive. I was going to cut and paste HYSTERICAL melodramatic quotes from those entries but really, all you need to know is that I've been a total spaz my entire life and had NO sense of tact and NO sense of what should/should not be posted on the world wide web. Therefore, most entries are one huge paragraph long, start out with a quote from a Broadway musical and ramble on like this:
"TODAY TOM AND I WENT TO THE CITY AND SAW A SHOW AND OHMYGOD I HAVE TO WRITE OUT MY 'TONY AWARD' PICKS BECAUSE OHMYGOD THE TONY'S ARE THE BEST THING OF MY LIFE BY THE WAY I LOVE JESUS! GOD WILL GET ME THROUGH THIS! OHMYGOD I SAW 'RENT' 4 TIMES BECAUSE I AM A 16 YEAR OLD LOSER!!!!!!!!"
The End.
And then I started thinking. And I've been thinking in between rehearsing. (Which, by the way, is going so well! Random Fact: Ashlee Simpson is rehearsing in the room next door for a West End production of "Chicago" BUT even better, this morning I ran into Christine Ebersole in the lobby who is rehearsing for "Grey Gardens" and oh WAIT, I'm still blogging about Broadway show stars because I AM A 23 YEAR OLD LOSER.)
So, I've been thinking.
I've been thinking about how I began this blog in 1998. This whole blog experience has been such a therapeutic outlet for me. Reading back on those high school entries, I laughed so hard at the younger version of myself. I also realized that my writing has really grown and matured since then. (Thank God.) I don't think I'm a wonderful writer, I just think this has helped me to become a better one. This precious space has forced me to write by encouraging a natural flow of ideas, thoughts and commentary. It has blossomed from a mortifying "Dear Diary, Here's What I Did Today!" format to a collection of short stories about my family, living in New York City and the struggles of an actor.
An anonymous girl once told me she reads this as fiction and I felt so honored by that compliment. But hey, the thing with blogs and livejournals and such are that entries are often written in the heat of the moment. I have written some truly terrible things. I've been narcissistic, sarcastic, catty, melodramatic, etc. And no one probably noticed, but this summer, I deleted over 1/2 my archived entries from the past two years. This was mostly because I went back to read them and I cringed. A lot.
Because my blog entries are permanently preserved in cyberspace, anyone can stumble upon this, read through the archives and make a harsh judgment about me. It doesn't matter if at that moment, I was angry or dramatic or jealous or immature. The entry stands alone and can be taken out of context and applied to the present day Me. Do I want people to be able to do that? Will my future husband google me after our first date? Will he read through all my entries? What kind of picture will that paint of me? A real one, at least. But, ick.
I also have to wonder, if I want to be a successful actress (and by successful I mean working, not famous), do I really want my personal life published on the internet? I think I've been really good about avoiding certain subjects. (Specific job details, relationship details of any kind, friendships gone awry, etc.) I wasn't always so careful but I learned. Some things just need to be banned from discussion on this website, because now, at 23, I have tact (somewhat) and a sense of what you can/cannot write about on the world wide web for all to read.
It is so hard for me to imagine shutting this down. I wanted to keep this up and start journaling about my experience working on this upcoming tour. I even contemplated spinning a blog off this one just for that sole purpose. I thought it would be pretty entertaining to read, a literary version of a reality television show if you will--7 people driving around the South in a van. Priceless.
And oh Lord everyone, it's so amazing for me to go back and read those entries, even the horribly embarrassing 2001 entries. There are details in there that I'd totally forgotten about, memories that had left me a long time ago. I read them and I just thought, "Wow, I am SO glad I have this to look back on." It's like finding all those notes from 6th grade in a shoebox on top of your closet. You totally forgot you used to doodle yin-yangs on notes, right?! HILARIOUS!
And the end of blogging doesn't have to mean the end of my writing and my ability to keep track of the minute details of my life. I guess I could keep up the everyday writing in my private written journal but I usually just reserve that old-fashioned thing for "I HAVE A CRUSH ON..." lists and recipes for Martha Stewart cookies so that just wrecks my whole flow. Or, I could type on the computer as if blogging and just never click "Publish".
Nothing happened. I didn't get in trouble for this blog, nobody found it that wasn't supposed to. I just don't know. I don't know if there's a point to this anymore. If I'm too personal, not personal enough, or just reinforcing my TOTAL LOSER motife that I'm trying so hard to discard, etc. (As an actress, how do I create a marketable image of myself if I post pictures of me with tomatoes over my eyes?)
I guess what I'm asking you all is,
www.thespectrum.org: So good? Or no good?
13 Comments:
1. congrats on the show - i totally meant to call you, but a. i am a douche, and b. i was way busy with school.
2. DO NOT STOP WRITING YOUR BLOG!!!
fyi: i live vicariously through your single new york woman-about-town stories. you may think your life is boring, but imagine spending your days with a 19-month-old and the lowest human life forms who frequent target.
this is not to say i am unhappy, or even that my life is all that boring, but c'mon.
you are a fantastic writer, hon, seriously. i LOVE reading all of your anecdotes, as random and possibly embarrassing as they may be.
and so what if you become mega-famous and the ravenous press finds your blog? last time i checked you are not a scientologist and haven't been busted for drug possession, so be consoled by the fact that others are WAY more bizarre and have more to hide than you.
3. completely unrelated story: lil has taken to calling me by my first name when she wants my attention. today i ran down to the basement and she started yelling for me, "mom! mooooom!" apparantly i didn't answer quickly enough, because she then began to yell, "A-GINA! A-GINAAAA!"
when john came home i told him and he didn't believe me, so i asked lily what my name was. she said, "mommy." john gave me a "didn't think so" look, when she yelled, "mom-a-gina!" john proceeded to pee his pants.
the end.
4. ummmm.... you're hot.
Hi Laura,
I must confess I also read your blog as fiction...think Bridget Jone's Diary but you aren't pathetic or overweight or a form of an alcoholic. In fact, i am not a blogger and never read blogs until i stumbled upon yours and found it hilarious. I actually don't read any other blogs at all.
I am also a 23 yr old girl trying to figure out what to do with my life. I'm from upstate NY and even though our geography is very different, I find we have a lot in common from reading your stories. Ex - I also worry about infertility...why??? IDK!! ANd it is crazy b/c I am 23 and healthy and likely wonderfully fertile...I also worry that i wont get married b/c i am picky and manage to screw things up for myself.
This said, I would miss reading your blog if it ended, kinda like if the producers of Grey's Anatomy decided eh nevermind. But I respect your reasoning and I can't argue b/c i've never blogged and had to think about people I don't know reading facts about me...soo...
PS ~ I think I would also have a funny blog as my life is CRAZY too and my friends always say that they can't believe all the stories I have just from this year...ex - my car catching on fire! Oh and I also went to UB but only for a short time.
Anyway, good luck with your show. I was really excited when I read the post about your getting your first big acting job! I must admit I'm a little jealous but not in the green mean way, but in the WOW you are soooo lucky way! If I'd had enough talent in those areas I may have tried it, but I am practical enough to realize that I just don't have it. However, do not pity me, I have talents in other areas and am certainly not a low self-esteem case.
Good luck!
I guess now would be a good time to chime in and say that I, too, am a complete stranger and stumbled upon your blog and have been reading it occasionally ever since.
I think it must have popped up in some sort of theatre related google search since I graduated this past Dec. with a musical theatre degree and will be moving to the city at the beginning of Oct. (I actually will be there looking for a place to live this coming week). I also have friends who live in Queens that I visit quite often so when I read your descriptions of your life I feel like I can relate to them in some way. It's also interesting to get a glimpse into the kind of life I will be living in about a month....
Also, congratulations on the Equity card! I just finished earning all of my Equity points (over 50 weeks....yikes!) so can understand your excitement.
Like the previous anonymous poster said, I would definitely understand if you decided to stop blogging. But I wanted to let you know that I have enjoyed it as well! Perhaps we should get together and hang out sometime in NY as it seems we have a lot in common.
~Cecily
As an old friend, and fellow lame blogger, I have to say I would really miss it. We don't keep in touch like we once did (the multi-coloured e-mails! How much we love Rent! And oh, the Tony picks!), but I know that I can check with your news, see that you're happy, so long as I have time to go online. In short- I think you should keep it up. If you're worried about the entries from oh so long ago when, let's face it, you were a completely different person, then don't keep archives. I don't. I have all of my entries saved on a CD in a very, VERY private corner of my desk, just so I can look through them myself once in awhile and laugh. But just because I occasionally write in a LiveJournal (usually with the sole purpose of trying to make my friends laugh) doesn't mean that everyone gets to know how much of a baby I was when I was 16 and wasn't cast in that show and proceeded to call everyone involved with the production some terrible name...ON THE INTERNET. The short and short of it...delete what you don't like, keep what you do, and keep writing. It's a great outlet, and your adoring public wants news of you!
Have fun with rehearsals. Roll your eyes at Ashlee Simpson a lot for me!
-Andrea
Whatever you do -- do NOT get rid of this blog.
Laura.
If you stop blogging, I will be sad.
Also, you have the prettiest ballet feet I have ever seen.
That's all.
~Michael Deeb :)
I think part of your image as young starlet actress well on the path to glory will be your quirky, introspective public diary. Keep the blog.
For those people who read this blog as entertainment and possibly foreshadowing into their future, I think you should keep it while you're on tour.
For those of us that know you in person, you should DEFINITELY keep it while you're on tour, because you won't be here and fucking TOM is in fucking CALIFORNIA and we won't have any FRIENDS anymore and want to at least know what you're doing, OKAY?!?!
Sorry.
But keep the blog. It's a great creative outlet, and you may very well need an outlet that doesn't involve "The end. Please move along."
I LOVE YOU. Free babies?
werd, ashley. werd.
fuck you, tom.
(note: "fuck you" = "i love you and miss you and you suck. literally.")
and if you stop writing your blog, dlug, you will also get a "fuck you." so there.
Regina = Truth. Also I miss your baby and can you post more baby pics on your blog? I mean, you're cool too. But I cannot live without stories that involve the word "MOM-A-GINA."
What's up now, huh bitches???
Tsk, tsk, tsk! Now, REALY gals, the language? Would you speak that way in front of precious baby Lilly? Hmmmm? And, now, for my input...how the he_ _ would I even know what is going on in my own child's life if I didn't read her blog?
It's about 11:40 pm and do I know where my children are? Nope - but I know they are in cyberspace most of the time.
Love to all you nunheads, Ashley and Regina. You know who you are. Now where IS Tommy?
This is Tom's assistant, Beau Regarde, Tom is too busy being famous and going from premier to premier. He will TRY to make a post, but don't count on it. He is too famous. And tan.
Love,
BR
Beau Regard, I bet you are awesome. Being Tom's assistant must be a flashy and fabulous lifestyle, what with all the paparazzi and the Bentley escorts all over Hollywood.
Hey, BR-- If you get a chance, could you tell Tom I say hi? Ha-- and when you do, he'll probably throw hot coffee in your face and demand that you dial my phone number and hold the phone to his ear so that his tender fingers don't have to. Oh, that Tom.
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